want more...

it seems as though there is always something around the corner to make you feel disapointed, doubtful, scared and hurt. I want more of...

LOVE. honesty. people being true to themselves. money. independence. confidence. enjoyment of life. generousity. joy. drive. positive thinking. change. happiness. freedom. inner strength. release. growth. feeling alive.

sometimes I get so caught up in what I don't have...sometimes it's really hard to escape the negetive pattern of thinking that will just bring me down. I know in my heart that life is beautiful...even when I am devestated and confused, I know that I need to move on. I get so focused on everyone else around me getting what they want, and I see myself not getting anything of what I want makes me feel like I can never achieve it. I know deep down that I can, and that maybe I'm scared.. scared that nothing will ever change.

I want to get out of my circle of sadness, and see that it's all there.. but I have to work for it. It's how you deal with what you're given in life that matters, and sometimes nothing changes.. the only thing that is different is your perpsective from day to day.............

I am now moving on to a better place....

Uggggg

well here I am again complaining about stuff
Mostly about men... I really enjoy the company of a nice guy who's cute and fun. For some reason, sometimes it just seems like guys don't really give a shit about me. Not sure why.. I am not ugly and I'm great to be around.. and I gaurentee if you gave me a chance we would have a wicked time together.
I KNOW I am fine being single, but just sometimes I get blue about it all and just have to vent my frustrations. Sometimes it seems like the whole world is getting together before I am...

Take a step back.. take a deep breath.... let it go...
Cause I know I am special, beautiful and one great catch...To those guys that don't see it, you are missin out!

Becoming Better

It has been a long cold lonley winter....
I have a new desire coming that makes me want to be better. I want to feel better and be better... rise above the frustrations and pettyness of life that gets me down, and just live life and enjoy it.
Sometimes I feel down and blue, and wonder when things will get better. I want to improve my thoughts to appreciate what I have, and know that tough situations will work themsleves out. If you don't feel happy then goodness won't come to you...
I want to have those moments of joyfulness in a mundane day in which I feel drained and frustrated. I want to feel free when I feel bound to things. I want to feel more love and project love to the world. I knwo there is a positive in all things but sometimes you just have to stop and listen and watch to find it...
This year is a year of change, and I want to bring more change into my life!!!!

I'm sad

well...
I arrived home from work, only to be YELLED at by my father. Like seriously SCREAMED at... just cause I didn't put something in the green bin.
He told me I don't do anything around the house.. (yeah cause he does SOOO much too *Hint of scacasm*) and pretty much reemed me out for a good...15 minuites.
I love how if he as a point to make, it's screaming. I am SOOOO SICK OF BEING SCREAMED AT. It's just him I guess, but I really feel like it's made a negetive footprint on me. It just, hurts a lot I guess. I WISH he wouldn't do that.. I sometimes wish he was a nice dad that I wanted to do fun things with, and that loved me for who I am. I've never really felt like he loves me for me...I feel like he's always wishing I was different. He also compares me to my brother and sister who are like angels in his eyes... while I am just some hanger on that doesn't do much.
while I am reading this I am just thinking of all the things that I need to work on too.. I mean yes, I am pretty frustrated with living at home. He also mentioned that I don't appreciate the things they do for me, becuase I don't do a lot here.
But, I do help out around the house. I help my mom with things and yes maybe I could help her out more.
even though I am frustrated, it doesn't mean I don't appreciate my parents and everythign that they do for us. I am pretty lucky that I have parents that do actually care about what I do... but especially with my Dad it usually just comes off as anger.... rarg there are so many feelings about my family that I have.. it's just so messed up and weird and strange and I really don't know what to feel or how to think about i tall sometimes. . . .

frustration.

well.. pretty much since january, I have been in a bad mood. I've been tired, frustrated and moody. I am not too sure why I've been feeling this way, and it's really not the way I want to be feeling. Oh.. not to mention BOREDOM. sooo much boredom. Winter is getting under my skin. I just want to feel the sun again!!!!

My Body...

I am TIRED and SICK of hearing that I should loose wieght. I hear it on TV mostly. Everytime I watch it, I am subjected to some lame add about weight loss...and it's almost always geared towards women.
Why is it that freakin everything tells me what's wrong with me. I am fab U lous the way I am. I am curvy and not skinny...this does not mean I'm not healthy. IT also doesn't mean I am ugly. Why is it that women who are not stupid stick figures are made to feel like hidious cows? I am not a cow, I am not ugly, I am healthy and just great the way I am.
Why is size 2 more valued than a size 12?? There is no more value in someone who is skinny than someone who is not. Women are built all sizes. I think all sizes are beautiful (unless you look unhealthy...then I think it's pretty darn ugly) I think being natural is beautiful. I know I was made this way for a reason. I don't want to watch what I eat and excersize obsessivily...I want to enjoy my life and enjoy food and be healthy right now... just the way I am.
My body is mine and no one elses...no one else can tell me what I can do with my own body!!!!

FUCK you stupid adds... Fuck U studpid society for making women feel guitly about their wieght. Every woman is beautiful.... Don;t get caught up in some false standard of beauty... Being Unique is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...

2008

I have so many hopes for this year... I feel like it's going to be a big year for me!!! I already know that a lot will happen for me. I have been in transition so long, it's time to finally move on. Sometimes moving on is so hard, but it's also so refreshing. New beginnings are what I want this year to be all about. I will be done school this year, and working for a living soon.
I also am going to meet someone this year!!! In the past, I've always seen what isn't there.. but being positive is going to bring so many new things into my life.

I hope everyone has a really awesome year!!!! I know I am going to!!! ;)